Emotions ignite in every teen as they prepare to go back to school, back into the social part of life. It's inevitable, and although we may see it as trivial, it's a big deal to our teens. They need their parents to guide and direct them in the best way possible.
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| My daughter's photo, 2024 |
I taught high school English for 7 years; I lead several discipleship groups of girls over the years; I personally mentored countless teenage girls, and I have two of my own, ages 17 and 18. What will help these girls most? The moms must be on the same page.
One of the biggest attributes I see lacking in our teenage girls is the courage to speak up.
I taught at a Christian school, so I guided with Scripture, but despite the type of school these girls attend, there's some ground rules that should be implemented by all parents.
First of all, our girls need to be taught the value of friendship. When they first discovered others with shared values, humor, and personalities, and they saw how they could strengthen one another for good, it was a joyful bond. As the bond was cultivated, friendship blossomed. Friendship. It's beautiful! As adults, we know the value of good friendships. We must teach our girls to work through conflicts in love and help our friends when they struggle. When storms come, there's never a switch to turn off a friendship. They've shared their hearts with one another. Friendship is a special gift important enough to last. Teach your girls to be grateful for it.
However, "glued at the hip" is a bad practice with BFFs. It excludes others. Have an entire flower garden of friends, not just one flower.
One of the biggest attributes I see lacking in our teenage girls is the courage to speak up. All the teenage girls who know me have seen me get a bit intense with this one. The courage to speak up spreads throughout much of their lives. Where there's no courage, there may also be gossiping.
"Have you told her how you feel?" I will ask.
"No! I'm not talking to her!" or "No, she wouldn't listen." These are answers I've heard too many times. The ripple effect of gossiping always involves hurt and loss of trust. Our girls must be taught that gossiping hurts our own character as well.
. . . teaching our girls to have a gentle and quiet spirit does not mean they need to keep their mouths shut when treated wrongly.
. . . teaching our girls to have a gentle and quiet spirit does not mean they need to keep their mouths shut when treated wrongly.
Back to having courage to speak up, anytime our girls have been treated wrongly or unfairly, they need to speak up. They may need help in how to voice the problem in a mature manner. As a teacher and as a mother of two teen girls and one young adult son, I have noticed a discrepancy in how often a boy will speak up compared to how little a girl will. For my fellow Christian parents, teaching our girls to have a gentle and quiet spirit does not mean they need to keep their mouths shut when treated wrongly.
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| Selfie by me with my daughter's BF, Emma |
When your girls need to vent, remind them to stay solution-focused. From my own repeated observations, teens who bask in drama ("Drama Queens") eventually struggle with significant anxiety, depression, stress, and bad decision-making. I have no peer-reviewed research to back this up, but it's been a solid finding from my own observations.
Our daughters must save being mean for the Disney shows. Giving the silent treatment, embarrassing someone in front of friends for a laugh, or encouraging a classmate in the wrong direction may be a heart issue. For me, the girls with no remorse for hurting others is like talking to a wall. But interestingly, I have found that these girls typically have parents who turn a blind eye to the issues or think their daughters are perfect.
So, this one may sting a little, but realize that none of our daughters are always right, always the victim. As parents, we see the core of our children's hearts, and we love it! But what we really love as the core is our children's existence and how amazing it is that we've been entrusted to parent them. It's truly amazing! But like everyone, our children fall into the temptation of being mean, gossipy, bratty, whiney, and lazy. So, if it's bound to be, what do we do?
Parents must make their girls aware of their wrongdoings. Making them aware helps them to see how they may offend or hurt the feelings of others. Are they whining at a party? They may have hurt the hostess's feelings. Did they degrade a girl in their class? They may be looked at as untrustworthy. Maybe their funny insults aren't quite so funny.
If we can place all this in a nutshell, what is your daughter's social motive on the way to school each morning? If it's to be liked, they may be disappointed. A youth leader once told me, "At least 10 percent of the teenagers in every room a teen is in may not like him/her." Furthermore, the goal of being liked places our teen girls in a self-centered world.
We must teach our teens to place others before themselves. Notice the classmate who is distraught and offer a smile. Encourage. Take up for someone being mistreated. And if our teens' goal is still to be liked, these acts of humility are actually the best formula. Teens who stretch out a kind hand are always the ones who are liked the most.
My point -- is there any way we can agree to these teaching for our girls? If we Moms can be on the same page, maybe even practice what we preach, I think we'll give a heap of help to our daughters.
What am I missing in regard to mothering teens? I welcome comments!
Have a great new school year!